


Only If For A Night

by YellowLipstick



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Cussing, Explicit Sexual Content, Language Kink, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Shameless Smut, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:51:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21887887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YellowLipstick/pseuds/YellowLipstick
Summary: Steve wants to heal Bucky’s emotional wounds and take away all his pain in a loving embrace; but is that what Bucky wants too?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Only If For A Night

**Author's Note:**

> Song: “Only If For A Night” by Florence + The Machine

~“And I heard your voice

As clear as day

And you told me I should concentrate

It was all so strange

And so surreal

That a ghost should be so practical

Only if for a night

And the only solution was to stand and fight

And my body was bruised and I was set alight

But you came over me like some holy rite

And although I was burning, you're the only light

Only if for a night”

-Florence + The Machine, “Only If For A Night”~

Captain America threw his shield up against the raw force of the Winter Soldier’s brutal, metal arm. The reverberating clangs made his teeth rattle but he knew what he had to do. He had rescued Bucky once and had failed the second time. His best friend had fallen to his supposed death but had really been captured and tortured endlessly by H.Y.D.R.A., turning him into the deadly weapon he was now. He wouldn’t fail his best friend a third time. Clearly talking to the brainwashed soldier wasn’t going to help. He had failed horribly when his angry, confused best friend had attacked him viciously on sight. Steve stood abruptly and dodged another wicked punch from Bucky before approaching him head on and shocking the soldier into silence by gripping his flesh and metal arms hard and dragging him in for a bruising, desperate kiss.

Bucky was dumbfounded. He stood limp in Steve's grip while his mouth was thoroughly ravaged by the ardent blonde. His metal arm twitched and shook with restraint, only, he didn’t want to attack the Captain anymore-couldn’t attack anymore. He just wanted to grab the lithe blonde to him and never let go. He could feel himself anchored to this man, to reality, as more and more fragmented snippets of memories and dreams flashed through his broken mind. It hurt, it was painful, and each new image stung with a white-hot intensity.

He keened and shuddered against Steve’s lips, before his legs gave out from under him and he fell towards the street as his body went into a state of numb shock. The blonde caught him, hugged him close to his chest, and carried him home. Tears trailed his dirty face, staining his pinked cheeks with his emotion, as he carried the unconscious brunette home. He knew Bucky had remembered, he could feel it, and they could finally go home together. It was a raw moment for Steve, and as the heartbreaking relief shot through him, he couldn’t swallow against the thickness in his throat fast enough. When he finally did collapse through the front door of his little apartment, he was sobbing over his best friend’s poor, abused, and broken body. He would heal the wrongs wrought against his dearest friend, his most cherished love.

No one had ever known about them, couldn’t have ever known about them. Homosexuality had been a secret sin no one discussed, and they had hidden their love well. It had always been their secret. Though, when Steve had first seen Bucky’s tormented, but alive, face he could see the brunette had no recollection of their beautiful secret-something no one could ever have reminded Bucky of but Steve. How could they have not fallen in love though? Even when he had nothing, he had always had Bucky; and Bucky had become everything to him.

Bucky had always protected Steve, had been a brother to him in the truest sense of the word; and when Steve hadn’t needed protecting any longer, Bucky had stood by his side tall and proud-fighting for a cause they both believed in. Their lives had been wrecked for it, and as Steve tried to pick up the pieces for them both he had to wonder if it was all worth it. Everything they had done, every new experience, had always been together. They had even lost their virginities together, to each other. If any part of this was worth it, it was only that Steve had Bucky back with him now-nothing more, nothing less. 

It had been months since their fateful kiss in the streets. Months that Bucky had spent trying to understand who he was and who he wanted to be now. Through it all, Steve had stood by his side, the best of friends; but he had not touched or approached the fragile soldier romantically again. He didn’t want to push himself on someone who was dealing with an identity crisis in the most succinct definition of events. The honorable blonde refused to take advantage of the weakened state Bucky was in. He would stay by his side always, but never as anything more than Bucky wanted, and the brunette had yet to hint he wanted anything more than friendship.

It still didn’t stop them from sleeping in each other’s embrace. To sleep alone was far too frightening for the vulnerable soldier. He was so tangled up with feelings and issues sometimes he truly wondered if he would ever be entirely mentally stable, or if the electricity forced through his mind had taken that from him forever. Bucky had curled against Steve’s front that first night, after he had awoken disoriented and afraid on the couch, and not a word had been said about them cuddling together each night since. Like so many other aspects of their relationship, it didn’t need to be discussed, and wouldn’t ever need to be if Bucky didn’t wish it so.

How could he know that Bucky needed his closeness like air? How could he know that of all the memories splintering through his tired mind, those of them together were the most vibrant, the most real from his past. Bucky couldn’t lay that at his friend’s feet, not when he seemed to have pulled back from that aspect of their relationship. He knew the things he had done while under H.Y.D.R.A.’s control were unforgivable, likely utterly repulsive to his noble, golden friend. He agreed, he was utter refuse; how could anyone love him now? So he quietly cuddled against Steve while they slept and never said a word, hoping his friend wouldn’t take away the one comfort he desperately clung to like no other. While they were in bed, Bucky could pretend like it was the old days, like if he wanted a kiss and a warm reassurance of love all he had to do was roll over and it would be there waiting for him.

Despite Steve’s warm, comforting presence at Bucky’s side, it couldn’t stop the nightmares that plagued the tortured soldier both in waking and sleep. As the moonlight filtered through the curtains this night, Steve was facing away from Bucky-sleeping back to back with the brunette-while the soldier twitched and spasmed against the mattress, in the throes of another bad dream, another flashback from his tormented past.

Bucky gasped, bolting upright while he instinctually threw his metal arm up in front of his face in defense. He was panting harshly while the nightmare still swam in front of his vision-cold hands, harsh voices, and painful needles-all attacking him, over and over. He cried out, in pain and anger, he couldn’t-wouldn’t-let them torture him again. He couldn’t lose his memories, all the precious fragments he had so recently gathered back and was still piecing together.

When Steve had hunted him down and then kissed him, of all things, he had never expected for his life to come crashing down so thoroughly; only to be rebuilt slowly and carefully within the protection of Steve’s embrace. If they were coming for him again, he would fight tooth and nail to protect himself this time. They couldn’t get him lying down like they had last time when his body had been found in the ice. He howled in rage and swung his deadly arm around, successfully felling the nightstand in one blow, and causing Steve to bolt upright in alarm.

“Bucky!”

“No! You won’t fucking take me!” the confused soldier gritted out, jumping off the bed to face his invisible foes, entirely immersed in a bad flashback.

“Bucky! Bucky…Hey, come on Buck, calm down,” Steve intoned firmly from the other side of the mattress.

He didn’t want to have to hurt his friend if he couldn’t calm him down, but he would do what he had to in order to protect them both.

Bucky heard the voice of his closest friend filter through his awareness, even in his horrible state he couldn’t mistake that voice. Steve was here; they were coming after him too! He leapt over the mattress with a somersault through the air and landed in front of Steve, turned his back to his friend, and prepared to defend them both to his death if he must-he would always be with Steve, till the end of the line.

The tortured soldier couldn’t seem to shake the nightmare from his eyes, and Steve realized Bucky was experiencing a P.T.S.D. flashback probably induced by a nightmare. It was shocking that within this mind trap, Bucky had still recognized Steve and was seeking to protect him. It was more than shocking, it was heartrending, his best friend truly was an amazing person; and someone he was still entirely in love with. He wished he could show that love to Bucky fully, wished he could kiss away the pain, but this wasn’t something that could be kissed away.

Though in this scenario he had no idea what to do, how to snap Bucky out of it. He needed a distraction, and perhaps that kiss in the streets all those months ago had been cleverer than he had initially thought. He had kissed Bucky to shock him into placidity, but also out of his selfish need to lay his lips on the love of his life just once more, even if he was gutted for it. He wasn’t, Bucky had responded, though since then-nothing. Would it be a betrayal of his friend’s trust to touch him so intimately while he was in this vulnerable state? 

He whispered, “Bucky,” hoping he could soothe his friend with a calm voice.

Bucky went rigid, muttering, “Hush Steve, I don’t want them to focus on you,” before cursing under his breath in Russian, he would be damned before he let them take Steve.

Steve reached out a shaking hand and petted his fingers against Bucky’s tender, intimate flesh; the scarring around where his metal arm attached to his torso he had noted was sensitive to the soldier, and he took advantage of that and Bucky’s shirtless state to rub his hands against the pinked skin gently, lovingly. Bucky jumped and started shivering at the soft touches, what the hell was Steve doing? He had never been touched there except by his own hand when he was experiencing discomfort at the tender sight, rubbing at the angry scars in defeat. The loving touches being laid on his scarred flesh were causing all sorts of pleasant reactions in his body, and he couldn’t be distracted now.

The soldier twitched and jerked away from the tender caress, “What the fuck, Steve, you can’t distract me, they’re still watching us.”

Steve sighed but with almost the hint of a smile on his pink lips, so Bucky hadn’t disliked it, he was still just worried over protecting them.

"There's no one here but you and me, Bucky. Just you and me,” he whispered back into the dark room, gentling his voice like he would to a frightened animal.

For a moment, reality snaked in, and Bucky’s face faltered. Was he really this crazy? Was his mind making up enemies now? He turned and glanced to the other side of the room; were the shifting forms only shadows? As he pivoted to face Steve again, the blonde slowly grabbed his hands and laced their fingers together, metal and flesh both. Bucky was still shaking from the touches to his scars and he felt entirely opened up, vulnerable, and embarrassed at his nightmares. Steve looked into his eyes; and while Bucky was so busy drowning in the sapphire orbs, he didn’t notice his friend leaning in, and placing his lips softly against Bucky’s own in a ghosting, questioning kiss.

Bucky startled, almost jumping back, and asked with a crack to his voice, “What are you doing Steve?”

Steve could have kicked himself, what had he been doing? Only he had felt so caught up in the moment, in the responses Bucky had shown to his touches. He had taken advantage of his friend, and he was ready to shoot himself over it; what kind of person was he, who would do something so repulsive?

“I-I’m sorry Buck, I just-I thought…I just miss you, I took advantage of you, I’m sorry,” Steve stuttered awkwardly, brought back to a time so long ago when he was smaller and more fragile than Bucky, when he was pushed around and needed Bucky’s protection.

Now Bucky needed his protection and he had fucked it up.

“You…miss me? I’m right here, Steve,” Bucky mumbled, confused and feeling like his heart was trying to stop and kick-start all at once; what was Steve trying to imply?

“I meant…the way we were,” Steve whispered, as his ears blushed red.

He was so dumb, so selfish, to be saying all this to Bucky now; but he couldn’t stop, “I still love you Bucky, I’ve never stopped.”

“Y-you’ve never said…and I thought…how could you love me, after all I’ve done?” Bucky practically squeaked out, uncharacteristically pitchy as the emotions made his voice waver and crack.

“How could I not love you more, Bucky? After all you’ve been through, tortured, abused, experimented on, forced to murder; I don’t know how you keep on going each day but I only respect and admire you more for it,” Steve stated passionately.

“I’m a monster, Steve. A fucking monster, and they didn’t pull the trigger on each person I’ve murdered-I did,” he spit out disgustedly, hating himself all the more for admitting this, but it had to be said.

“They tortured you, brainwashed you; they may as well have pulled the trigger, and once you came back to yourself, you stopped. You’re not that person, Buck. You’re a strong, honorable man, and I’ve always believed in you. I’ll always love you, nothing will change that,” Steve assured firmly.

Bucky couldn’t handle the emotions rolling through him, it was all too much, and he sunk to his knees with wretched sobs wracking his body forcefully. He didn’t know how Steve could possibly care for him still, but he did, and he didn’t deserve such a friend. Steve fell to the floor besides his distressed friend; he knew it had been too much too fast.

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t mean to upset you. W-we can pretend like this never happened, if that’s what you want,” he said desperately, even while his heart ached to suggest it.

“N-no, no,” Bucky forced out through his choked sobs, feeling like a damned fool for crying like this, and wiping his face fiercely against his flesh hand.

Bucky shuffled back from Steve and cowered away in embarrassment, “I-I’m sorry, I thought y-you didn’t want me anymore. So I never said anything. I still love you Steve-I always have. Even when I was under their control, I saw you and I knew your face, I knew who you were to me even as I tried to attack you. I was s-so confused, so angry,” he gasped through gulps and sniffles.

“I’m sorry I’m suck a fucking weak fool, crying all over you,” Bucky gritted out awkwardly, “I-I only know how to fight, it’s all I know anymore. I don’t know how to surrender,” he garbled, his words breaking with pain.

Steve finally threw his arms around the broken soldier, and hugged him tight, not worrying he was pushing too far. He finally knew Bucky wanted him too.

“It’s all right to cry, Buck. It’s all right to be upset. You’ve been through so much, and Bucky? You don’t have to fight anymore, never again. I’ll always be here with you, I’ll always want you, and I’ll always love you-until the end of the line.”

At hearing their closest and most dear sentiment rolling off Steve’s tongue, more meaningful than, ‘I love you’; he relaxed his body into Steve’s healing embrace and let the tears flow free. Bucky muffled his cries into his friend’s neck and felt for the first time since he had awoken from the ice-utterly at peace, he was home. He felt awash in Steve’s golden, holy light. The beautiful inner light the blonde had always shone with was one of the many things that had first attracted Bucky to Steve; and he felt-everything might just be all right. Only if for a night, this night, he could surrender-he could stop fighting, and just-rest.

More time had passed and Bucky slowly was adjusting to his new reality. Each day he opened up and tried a little harder to feel like himself again. His relationship with Steve was helping. They hadn’t done anything more than kiss briefly from time to time, and hold hands. Though it still made him feel all giddy inside at every new touch. It was like re-reading a cherished book or re-learning a beautiful song. They had made love so often in the past that each touch was like an old, familiar memory-a comfort-but still new and exciting at each turn.

He blushed from his chest to his ears the first time he awoke in Steve’s arms after a dream, or memory, of them making passionate love from so long ago. He could still feel every heated touch, hear every sound he dragged from Steve’s lips as he pushed into the blonde over and over; and his cock was stiffened to purpling at remembering how blissful it felt when they orgasmed together in the throes of their passion. He had always loved Steve, had always been attracted to him, even before he had taken the serum and become Captain America. He had spent several long nights reminding the blonde of that while he had kissed him from his toes to his ears, nothing could or would ever change his love for Steve.

He had jumped when Steve’s hand brushed against his swollen hardness, before the murmured, “Is this too much, Bucky? I heard you moaning in your sleep and…” Bucky whimpered softly as Steve pushed his own erection against Bucky’s back softly, rubbing gently to relieve some of the pressure with delicious friction.

He could only nod and shiver when Steve’s lips found the sensitive scarring edging his metal arm, he always wanted more; Steve had brought him off with a hand job while he rutted against the brunette’s back until he finished all over him, just like they were teenagers again, and it was amazing.

Now they kissed more frequently, touched more often, and before he knew it…Bucky had somehow pinned Steve to the couch underneath him while their groins pushed together fervently. Each push sending tingles of pleasure through them while Steve moaned Bucky’s name in that breathless way that had always driven the brunette wild. Through the lusty haze that had claimed his mind, Bucky felt the rippling of insecurities; could he re-learn this dance as well? Would he still be any good at it? Would Steve still want his battered body? He had so many new scars, he had a fucking metal arm-who could be attracted to that?

He pulled back, hurt flashing through his eyes, as Steve looked up at him questioningly, “D-did we go too fast for you, Buck?” he panted.

Bucky shook his head silently, training his eyes on the floor, and hanging his head dejectedly.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?” Steve asked, more than a little alarmed at his normally alpha friend’s submissive behavior.

Steve had let Bucky lead-Bucky had always topped; and he had assumed Bucky wouldn’t go father then he wanted to, than he was ready to.

“I…you’ll…d-do you even want me like that, Steve? Or are you just being nice?” Bucky mumbled before cursing under his breath in Russian, he was such a fucking idiot.

Steve shook his head at his friend’s audacious insecurities and bucked his hips up into the brunette’s pelvis, where he still sat on Steve, straddling him, “Does that feel like I don’t want you?” he asked breathlessly when his hard cock pushed into Bucky’s groin.

Bucky groaned low in his throat before biting his tongue to clear his mind from the aroused fogginess overtaking him, “M-my arm, my fucked up b-body,” he stammered, uncertainty shining in his vulnerable eyes.

Steve sat up, causing the brunette to misbalance and thud back to the other end of the couch. He crawled up Bucky’s prone form, enjoying the view from the top. He’d never been the dominant one in their relationship and it was fun being on top of Bucky every now and again.

He pushed his lips to Bucky’s firmly while he rubbed his throbbing cock against his lover and murmured in between kisses, “You’re fucking hot as sin, Buck, always have been. I’ll always want you, let me show you like you used to show me before I changed into this,” he gestured down his body, remembering how weak and frail he used to be before the serum and how Bucky had never cared-Bucky had loved Steve not in spite of what he had been, but had loved the blonde as he truly was because he had always been attracted to Steve in whatever form he possessed.

He actually thought Bucky’s metal arm was super arousing, despite the pain and suffering it stood for. He had been ashamedly attracted to it since he had first seen his friend’s new condition. He had kept the thoughts to himself out of decency, but if Bucky needed to know-he would show him. Of course, he had always had a thing for scars as well; but Bucky should know that by now as Steve had always enjoyed laving his tongue over each of his few scars before they had gone off to war. He placed his lips to the bumpy, pink scars edging the metal limb and sucked gently at the tender flesh.

Bucky stiffened and moaned, “S-Steve, what are you…?”

“Showing you,” Steve murmured in between sucking kisses to Bucky’s scars.

Steve laced his fingers with Bucky’s metal ones and laved his tongue all around the cold, steel edge of the mechanical arm before moving his mouth to Bucky’s older, more familiar scars. Bucky was panting now and keening desperately, while he tried to hold his insistent hips back from pushing up against Steve’s. Steve traced the jagged scar on Bucky’s right pectoral with his tongue, from a training accident at boot camp, before laying a small kiss to it and moving on. He found the tiny scar by Bucky’s belly button, from the time Steve had fumbled his sharp belt buckle open too clumsily, accidentally cutting the firm flesh of Bucky’s stomach, and sucked at it lovingly.

He unlaced their fingers and moved to Bucky’s legs, laying tender kisses to the bumpy scars from all the skinned knees the brunette had incurred as a youngster. He found new, unfamiliar scars too. All the horrible, roughly healed patches of skin, where Bucky had been tortured and experimented on. Each time his lips brushed the new scars, Bucky tensed slightly before Steve would lave his warm tongue against the tender flesh and cause the brunette to relax into the loving touches.

He finally made his way back to Bucky’s biggest insecurity, his new arm. He knew Bucky couldn’t feel his touches there but he needed him to know. Steve tenderly brushed his fingers against the cold metal and rubbed his lips from the fingertips to the elbow in an ardent pet before placing small kisses all the way up the forearm and back to the shoulder where steel and flesh knit together. He ended by panting whispered terms of endearment in French, the language he spoke in when he was being most passionate, over Bucky’s heated skin; in between rubbing his moist lips against the pink bumps of scarred skin while he pushed his hardness down against Bucky and rubbed ardently, letting the brunette feel just how much Steve wanted his new body and scars.

Bucky arched into Steve and keened brokenly; he didn’t understand how the handsome blonde was still attracted to him but he was currently thanking God and-shamefully but ingrained into his new mind so forcefully that he couldn’t help but think about Her-Mother Russia, that he was. Each brush of Steve’s lips against his broken body caused the lump in his throat to swell. He didn’t deserve such a giving, wonderful lover. He remembered Steve’s reaction when he had called out in Russian during that hand job, it was right when Steve had groaned gutturally and finished heatedly all over his backside.

When Steve’s lips finally left his sensitive shoulder he whined for more, trailing off into a string of Russian, begging his lover to never stop. Steve smirked and responded to the brunette’s disjointed mumbling with some French, promising his lover that patience was a virtue in these situations. He may not have understood Russian, but he could tell Bucky was pleading with him; and God, the brunette’s baritone voice while speaking Russian made Steve’s dick twitch. If anything, through all the pain and suffering, Bucky had only become more desirable to Steve. Like Bucky had always cared for him-Steve didn’t love him in spite of his changes, he loved him all the more for them as he had always loved Bucky, deeply and truly, no matter if he could now speak in Russian or had a bionic arm and new scars. 

Bucky regained his confidence and tumbled them onto the floor, landing on top of Steve with a huff, and grinning at the blonde’s surprised face before it relaxed back into that tempting smirk-so wicked looking on such an angelic face, “Do you believe me now, Buck?”

“Yes,” Bucky quipped quickly before dropping his plump lips back to Steve’s with a renewed passion as he rutted against the blonde on the floor, “Thank you,” he breathed as he pulled back from the wet kiss.

“A-anytime,” Steve groaned, arching into Bucky’s fevered ministrations with vigor.

While it was fun to be on top, he had always been pleasurably wrecked by Bucky’s possessive, dominant nature when making love.

When Bucky felt Steve responding to his touches so passionately, he didn’t think his cock could throb any harder. He felt like he was going to cum in his pants like a damned teenager, and he couldn’t wait any longer-insecurities or not. Bucky quickly pulled himself off of Steve and dropped his trousers, before enthusiastically yanking the blonde’s off as well and pausing a moment to stare at his lover’s beautiful, erect cock. When he saw Steve eyeing his own hardness hungrily he flushed, and shuffled his feet in slight embarrassment. It had been so painfully long since they had seen each other entirely naked. Well, long for him at least, to Steve it must have seemed like yesterday.

He scooped the blonde off the floor easily with his steel arm and carried him into the bedroom to toss him on the rickety bed playfully. He loved the bed Steve had gotten for his apartment; it had an old, iron bed frame like the bed they used to share before the war-it even squeaked and creaked just right when they were settling in at night. It always made his stomach flip at all the sensual memories those noises brought back to him.

“C-cooking oil, i-in the kitchen cabinet,” Steve stammered with a spectacular blush while his erect dick swayed in the cool air, leaking precum steadily into a sticky puddle on his belly.

As Bucky turned to go search for their old lube of choice, Steve muttered, “M-missed this so much, lover,” all earlier bravado gone in the face of their raw vulnerability.

Bucky heard his friend’s mumbled words and walked away with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, he had missed this as well-like he would miss air if he were drowning. It made his heart soar to hear the stutter in Steve’s voice, so very much like it had been when he was smaller and frailer. When he had just been Steve and not Captain America; and oh, how very much Bucky had loved him even then.

When he returned, he slicked up his flesh fingers happily, already anticipating the wonderful sensation of being inside his lover’s body once more after so much pain and so much time. He could feel his deep wounds knitting together just at the thought of sharing that closeness with Steve again.

He stopped, brow furrowed in confusion, when Steve shook his head at the brunette’s actions. Did he not want this, after all? His insecurities quieted when Steve turned a deeper shade of red and stuttered incessantly while gesturing to Bucky’s metal arm. Oh God-did Steve-his lover wanted him to open his tight hole up with his steel fingers, not his flesh ones? Not only did his bionic arm not bother Steve, he was aroused by it? He shivered and his cock spurt out a dribble of sticky precum, he hadn’t thought he could be any more turned on but Steve had always been able to entirely undo him.

Bucky caught Steve’s sapphire gaze with his own sensually as he rubbed the oil all over his steel fingers, while the metal plates rippled and flexed at his mind’s command. When he was sure they were sufficiently lubricated, he got back on the bed and gripped his flesh fingers in Steve’s blonde hair, tugging forcefully until his lover’s jaw angled and exposed his pale throat to the brunette’s voracious mouth. He sucked violet marks into his lover’s flesh as the blonde moaned and squirmed underneath him, only stilling when he felt the first touch of Bucky’s cold, steel fingertip at his dusky pucker.

Steve was taught as a bowstring, quivering against the mattress, while Bucky pushed the tip of his unyielding, metal digit into Steve’s tight hole. Bucky ground down against him, dragging needy whimpers from the blonde’s lips as their erections rubbed together, and whispered soothingly, “You need to relax, lover, or it’ll hurt. You know this, baby.”

He was floored that Steve would put this trust in him again. That after all he had done, and all H.Y.D.R.A. had turned him into, that his lover would surrender himself despite everything. He wanted to be infinitely careful with Steve, would never seek to hurt him, and now it was more important than ever. He desperately needed their re-joining to be as loving as they had always been together, and now, if possible, he felt closer to Steve than he ever had before. The last layers of doubt, of inner masking, had all fallen away in the past couple months. He felt his love for Steve thrumming through him stronger than ever, reawakened and rebirthed as a vibrant, true force.

Steve moaned loudly and panted, “God-God I know Buck, I know! I just…” he gasped and momentarily clamped his swollen lower lip between his teeth as Bucky’s questing finger pushed fully into him, right to the top knuckle, “It just feels so fucking good,” he groaned lowly, toes curling at the cold, heavy penetration in his sensitive opening while his lover whispered sweet things to him in Russian, trying to gentle the blonde in case his metal finger was too much.

Steve keened and tears streaked his face, it was everything he had wanted, everything he had missed and more; and he hadn’t yet had enough, not by far. He started pushing himself down onto Bucky’s finger, which was shallowly thrusting in and out, like the brunette was afraid to hurt him. Steve didn’t care if it hurt, he wanted it to burn, wanted to remember this tomorrow each time he tried to walk. He wanted to know Bucky was there, wanted his fierce lover to brand him and claim him with his cock once more.

He could feel all those horrifying months when he had thought Bucky to be dead fading away into nightmarish whispers in the back of his mind each time the brunette brushed their lips together or pushed his finger in a bit deeper. He never wanted to live without Bucky again, wouldn’t let that happen. He needed to tie himself to Bucky in every way, again, to reassure himself of the brunette’s presence in his life. The love he held for Bucky ran so deeply, he could feel his soul singing for the brunette with each new touch laid upon his body. He wanted to give himself entirely to Bucky, in every way, so the soldier could know things were not just as they once had been, but were better. They were closer than ever and Steve would let nothing change that, and would seek to show this to Bucky through his utter submission and trust-he would give his body to Bucky in every way and revel in the pleasure gifted to him in return.

“M-more Buck, please, more,” he begged in a needy whisper.

“You sure, baby?” Bucky questioned uncertainly; Steve had always been quick to open up but flesh and steel were different, steel had no give to it like flesh did and he was terrified of hurting his lover.

“Please, even if it hurts, I need it…” Steve implored before breaking off into a high keen when Bucky’s heavy fingertip found his prostrate gland and started tickling against it gently, causing him to thrust himself more forcefully down onto Bucky’s hand.

Bucky held his breath and pushed a second finger inside his lover slowly, marveling at how well Steve’s tight hole was stretching and relaxing for his intrusion. The blonde wailed and his voice broke for a moment when Bucky quickly clamped his flesh fingers tightly around the base of Steve’s rigid, purpled cock, choking off his orgasm and holding him through his dry waves of pleasure. Bucky still remembered the sounds Steve made right at the brink, and could still catch him at the edge, only to hold him there and bring him back for more. Steve arched off the bed before slumping back down, winded, after his dry orgasm and still thrusting into Bucky’s hand while simultaneously grinding his needy asshole down onto the brunette’s two metal fingers whorishly. Bucky responded by releasing his tight grip on the blonde’s dripping cock and slickly pushing his steel fingers in and out of Steve’s clenching, spasming slit.

Steve felt he was already on the edge again, Bucky’s first finger had started so cold, the steel always feeling slightly chilled, but had quickly warmed to Steve’s internal body heat. So when Bucky had pressed a second finger in, the overwhelming pressure and renewed chill had undone him. He was still only hungry for more, he would always want more where Bucky was concerned.

“Want more, baby?” Bucky asked wolfishly, insecurities and painful past left behind in the face of Steve’s utter beauty washing over him gloriously; alight with that lovely, golden glow only the blonde possessed-so much stronger while in the throes of passionate bliss.

“B-Bucky, Bucky, Bucky,” Steve chanted breathlessly, voice cracking with pure need.

Bucky took Steve’s mindless babbling as an affirmative and pressed a third, cold, metal finger inside his lover’s wrecked hole; swallowing Steve’s resounding moans with his lips as he started to move all three fingers inside the blonde, pressing against his swollen gland every couple thrusts. Steve clamped down painfully on the three digits penetrating him so heavily and pitched a keening wail, while Bucky stilled his hand in concern and pressed his lips to the blonde’s ear.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart? Too much?” Bucky whispered softly to the shaking blonde, using the most tender name he had ever bestowed upon Steve-something he called him only in their most intimate of moments.

Steve shook his head fervently, before managing to grit out, “F-feels s-so good, t-the burn, just like when you’re dick is buried in me…I need it Buck, n-need it,” he finished, panting and shivering with need while he tried to stop himself from cumming all over his own stomach even as Bucky’s flesh fingers remained clamped tight around the base of his straining erection.

Bucky’s prick was painfully hard, throbbing mercilessly and twitching against Steve’s pale thigh while he tried to go slow and prepare his lover properly to keep him from hurting, and hearing Steve’s wanton pleas only made it harder to hold himself back. He wanted to ravage his blonde lover. Bucky’s fingers twitched and curled inside Bucky which caused Steve to jerk and howl while his stretched hole fluttered and spasmed through another dry orgasm.

Bucky grinned so wide he felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes-Steve was just as sensitive as he remembered, he hadn’t hurt his lover, he had brought him through two orgasms and he hadn’t even put his cock in him yet. Apparently he still knew what he was doing between the sheets.

He pulled his fingers out of the blonde’s over-sensitive slit while ignoring Steve’s whines of protest. Bucky pushed himself off Steve with a grunt and pressed the blonde’s legs wider apart, revealing his red, puffy, and gaping hole fully. God, but Steve was beautiful like this, wrecked by Bucky’s own hands. Bucky palmed his aching cock and smeared his precum around the fleshy head wetly, before grabbing at the discarded cooking oil and slicking himself with it generously.

He lined his thick girth up with Steve’s fluttering hole and as he pressed the tip of his moist, fat crown to the gaping entrance he met the blonde’s sapphire eyes once more; glancing questioningly, seeking assurances from his lover’s gaze.

Steve’s knees trembled and he licked his bruised lips before looking Bucky straight in the eye and hoarsely saying, “Love me, Bucky; fuck me good like you used to.”

Bucky groaned and pushed forward, letting his swollen prick sink into Steve’s clenching heat a few inches, before pulling back out and thrusting home. Steve wrapped his legs around Bucky’s bony hips and braced himself against the brunette’s strong arms which were framing his upper torso, gripping metal and flesh as the soldier pulled back once more and thrust his hardness deep into the blonde mercilessly. Bucky pulled back and snapped his hips forward again and again, grunting and hissing in pleasure each time their pelvises crashed together erotically.

Steve was pushing up against him, meeting him thrust for thrust, as Bucky rocked into him heatedly. Steve screamed Bucky’s name and dug his fingernails into the brunette’s flesh and scraped them against the steel fruitlessly as he came hard all over his own stomach. He was gasping and choking on air, as his eyes rolled into the back of his head in pleasure while Bucky’s thick cock ripped through him over and over. Steve whined and panted harshly when Bucky switched the angle of his hips, jutting them upwards to steadily peg his sensitized prostrate gland over and over even while he was still shaking his way through the aftermath of his third orgasm.

Bucky was getting so close; it had been monumentally difficult to hold himself back with Steve’s velvet heat wrapped around him like a glove, clenching and fluttering gloriously as he fell apart all over the brunette’s dick. He moaned and spit out a string of Russian curses as he felt the hot pressure pool and roil in his groin while his scrotum drew up, taught and ready to release into his lover. He needed Steve to cum for him again, needed to wreck the blonde on his cock so thoroughly that they both would see stars and stripes flashing through their vision.

He shifted his weight and moved his flesh hand to Steve’s plush scrotum and kneaded the delicate balls in his palm before snaking his hand around to the blonde’s plush ass and pinching a bruise into the pale flesh, just like Steve had always liked. Steve was winding up again, whimpering and keening desperately at Bucky’s lascivious treatment of his most intimate flesh. Bucky thrust brutishly into the blonde’s prostrate and keened Steve’s name over and over, all jumbled up with Russian words and sentiments, as he emptied himself deep into his lover’s bowels.

At feeling Bucky’s hot seed spill inside him, filling him so full it gushed back out stickily from where they were joined, Steve moaned hoarsely and orgasmed for a fourth time-his spent cock only able to spit out a trickle of white spunk this time around. Bucky collapsed on top of Steve, panting words of love into the blonde’s ear before rolling off of him and grabbing him tightly to his heaving chest; Steve went willingly, curling his unstrung body into the brunette’s warm embrace contentedly. They caught their breath together and the bad memories didn’t steep in to torment them, only happy, golden memories of their love filtered through the lusty haze they were embroiled in.

Bucky gripped Steve close to him, inhaling his crisp, clean scent mixed with the musk of their lovemaking and prayed to anyone that would listen for them to never be parted again. His heart was finally healed, his mind finally felt whole, and he could finally and truly see hope on the horizon for himself. Really, if everything crashed down upon them tomorrow, only if for a night-this night-everything was golden, awash in Steve’s holy light. He hoped it could always be like this from now on, and rejoiced that he could even feel hope again. Steve had done this, had healed all his hurts and righted the wrongs-he had always been the only one able to shine through the maudlin gloom shattering Bucky’s existence.

Even when Bucky had been lost to the pain, amnesia smothering his memories while he committed horrible acts, he felt sure Steve’s voice had always been there in his head, like a ghost-practically guiding him and keeping him together in one piece until they would meet again. He kissed Steve’s blonde hair softly and ran his warmed, metal hand up and down his lover’s back while he listened to Steve’s earlier stuttered and panted breaths turn to the slow, steady pattern of slumber. They would be all right, he supposed they always had been, they just got a bit battered along the way; but as long as they would always end up back together they would truly make it out okay. They would always be together, till the end of the line.


End file.
